The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins
Spoiler-Free Synopsis:
“The Let Them Theory” is an idea formulated by Mel Robbins that is designed to help you take control of your life by loosening your grip on the actions of others. Basically, whether you use it in your romantic relationships, friendships, in your family, or at work, this book reminds you to “let them,” them being all other people, make the decisions they want to make, and then “let me,” me being you, take control of your own life and make the decisions you want to make.
Spoiler-Free Review:
It was a good book, and I appreciated the many examples that Mel included for their relatability. However, I felt that it tried very hard to extend the discussion into an entire book when it could have just as easily been demonstrated in a ten-minute speech or summary. As Peter would put it, “you don’t need to write 350 pages to say basically ‘be nice and mind your business.’” The book spent time dwelling on other theories and instances where the Let Them Theory isn’t even applicable in order to fill all the space, and I found myself much more inclined to get through the book as quickly as possible rather than to read it for my actual enjoyment. For example, the quote below on page 222 seems insightful, but also in some ways seems to backtrack the entire theory because you are just finding some sneaky, ultra-manipulative way to change the person. I don’t say any of this to discount the strong points that Robbins made, most of which I included in the tabbed quotes section below. I think “let them” is a very helpful motto to live by, and spending two weeks slowly chipping away at this book served as a consistent reinforcement, keeping the “let them” idea in my brain. Particularly, I appreciated her notions about how damaging it can be to live for other people, like on page 93. It was all clearly very well-based, and included insight from a plethora of resources on neuroscience, psychology, and sociology.
⭐⭐⭐
Tabbed Quotes:
“The civil rights movement taught us that responding with love and dignity, even in the face of injustice, is not surrender—it is strength” (74)
“The average human being has about 70,000 thoughts a day. Most of which are random and cannot be controlled” (86)
“Someone is always going to be disappointd by the decisions that you make. Don’t ever let it be you that’s disappointed. And don’t let guilt drive your decisions” (93)
“But the fact is, most human beings have never done the work to understand themselves, heal their past, or manage their own emotions. If they haven’t done that for themselves, they are incapable of doing that for you and showing up in a way that you deserve” (103)
“The mistake that we make is that we start to obsess over what is wrong, instead of just focusing on acceptance, kindness, and admiration for the other person” (165)
“Everyone thinks they are the exception to bad outcomes happening to them” (198)
“When you say Let Them, you are accepting other people as they are, removing tension and pressure, and letting them have control over the way they live their life. When you say Let Me, you use neuroscience to your advantage and unlock your power of influence to motivate someone else to change” (222)
“Ask yourself, is this going to require me to give up on a dream? Because according to the Gottmans, if it does, that’s a problem” (281)
“The two things that are required to make a long-term relationship work: 1. Both people want the relationship to work and are both willing to work on it to make it better. 2. The issues that create problems do not require either person to give up their dreams or compromise their values” (281)
